The Importance of Suicide Survivor Support Groups
There’s no one perfect or exact answer to the most frequently asked question I’ve received from parents who have lost a child to suicide: What’s the best thing we can do to make the pain go away.
First off, the pain doesn’t go away, but it does dull, and it does become more manageable as time passes. So, the question should be: How do we get to the point that it is manageable?
Based on our experiences, I have some valuable advice to share here, and that’s to find and attend a suicide survivor’s support group. Ideally, it should be an in-person group where you can be face to face with others who have experienced the loss of a family member to suicide but failing that; an online group may help until you can find an in-person one.
Let me be clear on something though, a suicide survivor’s support group is not the same as a grief counsellor or other support groups that help people manage the loss of a family member to other causes of death.
Suicide loss is unique, and so the grief is genuinely unique. My son’s mother and I visited with a grief counsellor, and it was a cold experience. She was well educated and well-intentioned but just couldn’t connect with us.
Losing a loved one to suicide is one of life’s most painful experiences. The feelings of loss, sadness, and loneliness experienced after any death of a loved one are often magnified in suicide survivors by feelings of guilt, confusion, rejection, shame, anger, and the effects of stigma and trauma. Thus, survivors may require special supportive measures and targeted treatment to cope with their loss. Dialogues Clin Neuroscience
We were lucky to have been allowed into a suicide survivor support group within a few months of losing our son to suicide, which most don’t believe is appropriate. The theory is that it takes up to a year before a family can rationally work through the exercises offered in these groups without breaking down and derailing both your and other’s healing. It takes time to accept the loss, allows the numbness to lift from your bodies so that you can fully embrace the support that these groups can offer.
WHY SUICIDE SURVIVOR SUPPORT GROUPS WORKED
Our support group had both singles and couples who were mourning the loss by suicide of different family members. Some were younger than us, others older. Everyone’s story of suicide loss was different, and yet we were all able to connect and come together as one almost instantly. The connection and relief we couldn’t get from a one-on-one grief counsellor we found in a room full of strangers.
Over a few months, we gathered for a couple of hours each week. We participated in a series of guided exercises such as journaling, sharing positive stories about those we lost, and meaningful readings. We also explored various activities that would aid our healing journey, including meditation and a labyrinth healing garden.
We benefited from the expertise and compassion of a group leader who ensured no one was judged for their reactions or where they were on their journey. We were all encouraged to accept each other – and ourselves – regardless of how we were coping.
In the end, what was most important to us was the feeling that we were understood as only someone who is suffering from this unique and toxic grief cocktail could understand.
We see it. We see the blank or confused look in the eyes and reactions of friends when we reply honestly to their questions about how we’re doing. There was little relief from the advice given to us by our wonderful family and friends.
Advice from those who lost a family member to an accident or a physical disease, like a stroke, didn’t connect. Horrible as it is, our brains can rationalize something like that; you get to answer the why and know that there’s no way to have prevented it despite your best efforts. Advice from these loving friends had the opposite effect to what they were intending.
As the description above aptly states, suicide loss is “magnified in suicide survivors by feelings of guilt, confusion, rejection, shame, anger, and the effects of stigma and trauma.”
I could see it in the eyes of a father sitting across the table from me when I shared my feelings of guilt. The guilt I felt for not having the relationship I wanted with my son and my fear that I may have contributed to his eventual death. I could see it in his body language; he understood. TRULY UNDERSTOOD.
And when others shared how their friends and family treated them differently or the struggles they had with work colleagues understanding how to approach them; we got it. We knew in our bones that we were experiencing the same emotions.
I cannot overstate the importance of this connection; such a bond is achieved with someone who has suffered a similar loss.
MOST VALUABLE LESSONS
I’ll share specifics on these in upcoming posts, but here are the three most important lessons I took away from my experience with this group. (There were many, aside from the importance of participating in a dedicated suicide survivor’s group in the first place, but these are the ones that seemed to be the most helpful to me).
- Be kind to yourself.
As a man and Dad, I can say I always felt the need to put my wife and kids’ interest ahead of mine, be the head of the provider, and be strong for everyone. It’s an old-fashioned notion, maybe, but it’s how I’m built. Sometimes I did it, sometimes I failed at it, but it was always a driving force. I couldn’t grieve because I needed to provide stability for my wife and daughter, my parents, and remain in control of my business for the sake of our staff.
The problem is that you can’t ever support someone else properly if you’re not kind to yourself first. Take whatever time – or actions – needed to take care of your health and well-being. It’s why in the event of an emergency, flight attendants tell you to put your mask on first before aiding someone else. - There’s no timeline to your grief and no formula.
One of my first questions in the group was: “How long before I stop feeling guilty? I needed to understand the future, next steps and plan accordingly. I learned that there’s no timeline and undoubtedly no blueprint to get you to the point of acceptance and healing. More importantly, you can take inspiration for the path others are walking, but you have to chart your own. - Understand that you and your spouse will grieve differently.
This was the first lesson learned. I learned it the day after we got the horrible news of our son’s death but didn’t accept it until we had our support group’s guidance. We needed to see and hear it from other survivors.
Others in your family will grieve- intentionally or not – almost by instinct. Our body and mind will kick in auto-pilot to deal with the trauma. With some, it will be to shut down; others will seek crowds and companionship. Some survivors will turn to drink, over-eating, or other vices, while some may not have any appetite and become lethargic. For my part, I may have experienced every combination – positive and destructive -, but that was my journey.
The point is: Be mindful of the fact that your partner or family members will each need space and acceptance to grieve in a manner that helps them heal. However, be careful not to let that space become a reason to not stay connected with what the others are doing or needing, as their path could become a place of no return.
You’re not alone. Let’s walk this journey together.
Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
