Avoiding Self-Destructive Behaviour
Suffering the loss of a loved one, especially a child, to suicide will require you to manage the emotional toll of grief but can also usher in self-destructive behaviour.
The loss, sadness, and loneliness experienced after the death of a family member or loved one are often magnified in suicide survivors by feelings of guilt, confusion, rejection, shame, anger, not to mention the added burden of stigma and trauma.
How one reacts to the suicide of a child is unique, and there’s no playbook I can offer for exactly what to expect.
For me, that mix of trauma, sadness, and guilt was a potent injection, a drug that I’m still addicted to. It essentially “deadened” my senses that resulted in a complete and utter lack of empathy for the plight of others, or the ability to share in their joy. I’m devoid of inner emotion.
LOSS OF EMPATHY
I lost the ability to feel, which my therapist suggests is my brain and body’s way of protecting me from shutting down under the weight of the trauma.
The best way to explain the lack of empathy and loss of feeling is to say I am “dead inside.” My son’s suicide effectively took two lives.
Outwardly, I do what I have to do to maintain a sense of normalcy for my friends, family, and work colleagues. I go to work, buy groceries, and drive my daughter to school. I listen to people’s problems, attend funerals, and participate in life as usual.
I “do life” with a memory of a feeling. I can remember what I used to feel – or should feel – when someone experiences a loss or some trauma. I can empathize intellectually and genuinely care that they are sad; however, I don’t (can’t) FEEL it in my heart and soul.
I look at others who have lost someone; I watch them crying or being sad, but – despite knowing their grief – I can’t feel it. But you’ll find it’s not just about empathizing with someone; it’s also about not being able to share in their joy.
You know that feeling you get when a child graduates from school? Or when a friend or spouse gets a promotion? Or someone gets the “all clear” after a battle with cancer? That hat feeling of relief, of happiness, of joy? Yeah…nothing.
LOSS OF JOY
I’ve learned you can be genuinely happy for someone but not feel happy or experience the happiness that’s typically associated with it. An emotional schizophrenia of sorts.
And, it doesn’t extend to just empathizing with others’ losses or feeling their joy; it’s about not genuinely feeling sad or happy for your own losses and successes.
My journey over the last few years surviving my son’s suicide has seen many heartache and successes. The successes – be they personal or professional – were greeted with plaudits from followers, family, and friends. I always managed a smile, took the selfie, and participated in the celebratory drink, recognizing that “this is a good thing that just happened.” I should be happy.
In reality, I went home, closed the door, lay down with a blanket over my head and wept dryly. I can’t even muster tears.
MANAGING WITH SELF-HARM
Intellectually, I understand this phenomenon of the body blocking memories, feelings, or emotions to protect your psyche from cracking. But not why it’s six+ years, and I still struggle with “feeling” something. Anything.
I’ve discovered that suicide loss is like a flowing river. You can damn it up, but it has to flow somewhere; the river will break through somewhere else.
If you’re unable to remove that block and regain that ability to feel sorrow AND joy again, it will break out in other ways.
Your heart is desperate to feel something, and in the absence of experiencing it, your brain will push you to potentially harmful behaviours. That was my case. I didn’t recognize it in the early years, but I was so desperate to feel that I began abusing drugs, food, alcohol and other vices.
It started innocently enough. A friend who also lost a child to suicide told me in the first few days, “Don’t let anyone tell you how to manage your grief…if you want to drink, drink. If you want to sleep, sleep. Do whatever your body feels it needs to. Be unapologetic.”
That was great advice at first; the vices my body craved scratched the itch, but only temporarily.
When excessive drinking didn’t give me the feeling I was looking for, I began to overeat, which only made me feel worse about myself. That leads to abusing drugs and worse. I become compulsive – anything I did or seemed to enjoy, such as working, eating, tattoos, sports, exercising, dieting…I had to do in excess.
Excessive behaviours to try and feel something only fuels more self-harm. Behaviours you thought you’d never succumb to or paths you’d never walk become brightly lit and paved with gold.
FUNCTIONING SELF-SABOTAGE
I become the equivalent of a functioning alcoholic.
I continued to evolve and grow my business successfully; I became a mental health advocate travelling the country, lecturing students and parents, and publicly maintaining a relatively positive and functioning public persona.
But the truth of the matter is that I was doing all that to hide what I couldn’t verbalize or express to those who may have been able to help me. I just went from one secret vice to another. If others saw what I was doing to myself, they were afraid to say or do anything about it.
TAKEAWAYS
I like to end each of the articles on this site with some takeaway, some lessons learned that can help guide those of you walking this journey with me. But I’m struggling to know what to say here as I’m still suffering from this particular problem.
It may be best to simply reiterate what my therapist tells me: Remove the damn that’s preventing the water from flowing. It means opening up to people, telling those who care about you precisely what you’re experiencing. Don’t pretend you feel and have empathy when you don’t. That crack will eventually become a flowing river, releasing the tension and self-destructive behaviours.
For my part, I’ll add that we need to be told in advance that this is a possibility. So, if you don’t have people in your life who will identify this and help you through, you may be able to see – and correct – the pattern before it becomes self-destructive like it was for me.
You’re not alone. Let’s walk this journey together.
Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
